I would really appreciate some advice, sorry if this is going to be long.
A bit of background: my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year, we live together. I’m 28, he’s 27. I’m the first girl he’s lived with.
When we met, we fell madly in love, we had such a connection and both of us said we…
Your a very emotionally aware person, a lot of people are in exactly the same situation but they can’t pick up on these things, so consider yourself special. Don’t think there’s anything wrong with YOU there’s just something wrong with his ability to enjoy life the way he used to.
Being unemployed can have a massive effect on the subconscious, he may say he feels fine but deep down (he may never admit this because he genuinly doesn;t know it) he may feel inadequate. If he subconsciously considers himself less than he used to be then he’s going to act like it, whether he realises it or not.
This is also the reason he’s going out with his mates more, escapism, not from you dear but from his unemployment.
I was unemployed for a long time and I realised that I was associating my feelings of unemployment with the house (which is where your not supposed to be during the day if your employed).
Try getting him out of the house with you a bit during the day, remove him from his negative cave, his pit of self loathing, his comfort zone. Go, I dunno…shopping or something.
So yeah, it’s not you, it;s not him, it’s his unemployment. It’s the root of all your problems. Get him a job and he’ll have more money, which will raise his self esteem and feeling of worth, he’ll stop escaping to his mates houses and he’ll go to bed at a normal hour.
Good luck, remember, your not needy your sensible.
everything starts when he is made redundant right? he is feeling really depressed now and insecure because of this. He is definitely not happy & since both of you have been living together, he felt that he has let you down by not having a job
by the way it is, it seems that why he been going out with his mates a lot is because this the only way he will feel like THE MAN again since he lost it after made redundant
you guys are having sex so thats is good. He might stays at the computer all night just to surf for job online. who knew? in my opinion nothing actually change his feeling for you is just that the depression of being made redundant had makes him feel low and dissapointed of himself as he can’t take care of you like he did before
believe me nothing is much more depressing that being made redundant. trust me because I am in the same situation
what you can do is try to make him happy and always tell him that you loves him no matter what. and definitely don’t feel sorry for him. that’s the last thing he wants you to feel for him. telling him to cancel the holiday makes him feel worse as it means that he can’t afford it now. never ever brings up about the redundancy again and just always say that everything will be ok. don’t pick up on his bad vibe as he doesn’t love you anymore but instead think it as he is having his own issues. thats all. sometime men have their own pride and they don’t actually tell you what he felt. just be yourself, make yourself and him happy, be his lover and hopefully he will snap out of it
Welcome to married life .. basically from the sounds of it, the honeymoon stage is over.. and now ur in real life.. , relationships arent like some romantic novel.. usually the first year is the “gotta impress, honeymoon stage” then content, and routine fall into place.. add in his depression from his job situation, and the fact that your both still tech. single.. and wha la u have ur life..
Just because u dont have a marriage license, doesnt mean ur not living like husband and wife at the moment, and if u get married, it will more then likely get worse not better if this is how it is between the two of u already.. reason i say that is.. because at the moment either of u could still pull out of this relationship easily so theres usually still alittle “good behavior” on reserve.. but once the marriage is finalied.. even that will go out the window, .. Men especially forget they have to amp it up from time to time in the romance department.. the wooing.. after they get u they figure ur theirs and life becomes mondane, boring, and routine, and insecurities set in because they once upon a time use to show alot of attention, and be romantic , etc..
I was very insecure in my relationship and it just ended out of the blue after a lot longer than you guys have been together. Not nice. I’m not sure if I was insecure or not. Or if I was right! Because it turned out in the end my fear of him not wanting to spend time with me was right. Either that or something else I don’t know. Very weird.
So your feeling might be right, or you could just be paranoid. I can’t say without knowing you. Or perhaps it’s just now it’s not the early stages of the relationship any more, things have calmed down.
There’s not much you can do if you’ve tried talking to him. You either have to a) bring it up again, more forcefully, and try to get something out of him b) put up with it and wait if he stays or goes or c) take a pre-emptive strike and leave now.
When we met, we fell madly in love, we had such a connection and both of us said we were ‘the one’, ‘had never felt like this before’ etc. Things were so great and I was so happy and secure.
>> so where did all that go? What happened to all those good things? Why weren’t either of you able to keep up the good stuff?
I have been growing increasingly insecure and I have all these feelings that I am not good enough and that he is getting bored of me. The reason I feel like this, is because it just feels like he doesn’t enjoy my company like he used to.
>> This is about your own self worth/respect and no one except you can make your own self worth good, high, healthy, etc. His actions should have nothing to do with your own sense of worth and value.
I just feel like he has no enthusiasm in our relationship, he never wants to do things with me but is happy to go out with his mates all the time. I don’t want to come across as needy, so I can’t keep brining this up with him. But I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall, because although he says his feelings haven’t changed, he just doesn’t seem happy no matter what I do for him.
>> This is all about bad communications and ineffective relationship skills/methods. You can learn how to make a good relationship if you want to take the time and trouble to study…….
I think that you need to be more secure with youself, because it seems like your self worth is low. You should do something you enjoy like hanging out with your friends and doing stuff for you instead of constantly worrying about the status of your relationship. If you don’t have confidence in yourself, he can tell (believe me I know). If you keep telling yourself “your not good enough” then you won’t be, you have to have confidence in yourself that you are good enough and you deserve to be loved.
As for your relationship, I would talk to him using “I” terms. Tell him, “I would like to spend more time together, how about one night a week we just spend time together?” Also I would talk to him about how you don’t feel appreciated, only don’t blame him because he will feel attacked.
Also, if he didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t be.. quit worrying about it or else your worse fear will come true because you keep thinking it.. and subconsiously you will end the relationship.
Okay I honesly didn’t read the whole thing but I will in a minute. But I just wanted to tell you my boyfriend.. the love of my life just broke up with me tonight because I was feeling like you… and I kept putting myself down. He was sick of it. And broke up with me. I wouldn’t act insecure if I was you… he might leave you like mine did.
maybe yall need to split for a while. He needs to regroup, and you need breathing space.