Things you should know before you read this bit of my story:
It’s a part of Chapter One, and all Chapter One is is bits from the girl’s past that are relevant to the actual story.
The story itself is serious, but it’s supposed to have a slightly satirical feel to it just to lighten things up otherwise is would…
It’s well-written – but it doesn’t sound even remotely like anything a nine year old would think. It’s far too mature. This isn’t a nine-year-old, it’s at least a teen and probably an older teen.
I don’t think a nine year old would have any concept of a trick indicating how much power parents have over kids, or double meanings of “special”. Or, indeed, of Down’s syndrome as a general idea (they might know a kid with it). If you’re intending for the inner comments to be from an older version of the girl, then you need to make much more distinction between what she thought then and what she’s thinking now.
I’d advise you to remember being nine, or think about a nine year old who you know. What was important to you then? How did you feel about your parents?
The good: decent prose, easy to follow and descriptive, pretty good characterization
The bad (what needs work): too wordy is spots which causes one to lose the voice of the speaker and takes me out of the story, children are very difficult to write 1st person and this feels more like a teenager’s thoughts (don’t feel too bad Stephen King had the same problem with “The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon”), a ‘grabber’- nothing here pulls me in. I was forcing myself through the story.
Overall Opinion: Cliche and trite. That said I think you have something worth developing. I can see your influences more than I see your own voice. Most good authors don’t even need to put their names on their books because you know who it is just by the writing, you sound like a dozen different authors. There’s no originality and I don’t feel ‘you’ in your writing. Keep going
I abhor romance, and teenage mush mush conflicts with my style like an opera singer opening for a Metallica concert. Yet, I must grudgingly admit that you have real talent. Good sentence structure, amusing metaphors, and real feeling all come together in your work. Keep up the good work. Never give up or listen to the naysayers. This is publishable quality !
Very nice writing.
I am yet to know exactly what this is going to be about though, just the relationship between a 9-year-old and her kitten?
well…anyway, very nice writing descriptive i like that
awesome story will you post more of it i got really interested in it but that guy is right maybe you should change her to a teen or make the words and thoughts less complicated.
The writing and story is good, but i dont have enough info to think of a title.
It’s good. Complete it maybe a name will suggest itself to you.
How old are you?
I think the story line is O.K 🙂