Any top tips to add to this list?


Climb onto your neighbour’s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He’ll think his house is underwater.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Buy a television set exactly…

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

What?

Big Pun Rakim Canibus 2pac Black Thought Scarface Immortal Technique R.A. The Rugged Man One Be Lo eLZhi Masta Ace Aesop Rock members from De La Soul members from Cunninlynguists Ice Cube Killah Priest Andre 3000 Eminem Shabazz The Disciple Ras Kass

To avoid being burgled never tidy up, if anyone breaks in they will think someone was there before them.

Overgrown garden? Too much work to dig it over? Simply anonymously tip off the authorities that there is a body/drugs/guns/treasure loot there and the nice local police will dig it for free.

To add to your anorexic tip- change their mirrors for the ones in fairgrounds that make yoiu look fatter, use the opposite ones for fat people on diets.

For those in small houses and a growing family- instead of moving put a child in the cupboard under the stairs, it worked for Harry Potter.

For teenagers bought unwanted tickets for an Irish boyband by their ninety year old aunt, simply sell them on Ebay to tourists as a chance to see real Iive leprechauns.

Get ready for halloween by keeping a bucket of eggs ready to hurl at trick or treaters from the upstairs window before they knock. Or give them joke laxative toffee, that’ll keep them running for a while.

When going to the toilet I find it both easier and more pleasant if I remove both my trousers AND underpants before sitting down.

At the end of a hard day I find lying horizontally on a mattress with the lights switched off provides an ideal opportunity for sleep.

Elastic bands with a dab of toothpaste make an economical replacement for chewing gum, and are better for your teeth.

Make everyone think you wear glasses by making a mark on the bridge of your nose with a hot teaspoon every morning.

Wig wearers – Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat secured with an elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you’ll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

Trick your neighbours into believing you have an expensive car alarm by spending the night in your vehicle and sounding the horn intermittently throughout the night.

American voters, avoid ticking boxes next to the names of individuals with low IQ, or who’s father has been President.

(Stephen, that “rodeo sex” tip was hilarious!)

I think you have covered it all, loved the Yogurt one, how about the sign on the condom machine, ‘Tested to BS 4004’, so was the Titanic, or ‘This is the worst chewing gum I have ever tasted’ and ‘Thank god I am an atheist’

You been under a lot of stress lately Stephen ?

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