I mean most of the time when adopted children mess up, it’s immediately decided that they did so because they’re adopted. When biological son rebels, it’s a disappoinment but what can one do. When adopted son rebels, people say “it’s not a suprise, since he’s adopted.” I’ve noticed this treatment in many adopted…
It is unfair. If anyone ever said that to my child, they better be prepared for the wrath that I will bestow on them.
I think that often times some people look at adopted children as having additional baggage because of feelings of loss or abandonment. Whether or not it’s true, children should not be classifed by how they became a part of the family. If a child messes up, he/she messes up. End of story. If it is because of issues related to adoption, that is for the child, the family, and hopefully medical professionals to sort out and obtain help for. It isn’t for the general public to decide (IMHO).
It is unfair. Unfortunately it is easier for many people to “pass the buck” rather than admit culpability in ANY situation and adoption is the perfect “out” for a troubled kid. To these kinds of people, it is easier to “blame biology” than to accept responsibility for one’s parenting mistakes or make an attempt to understand and correct a poor behavior or problem for what it really is.
There ARE many instances where someone may indeed have issues due to their biology, direct environmental influences pre-adoption or from adoption itself, however many of these issues can be improved or even resolved if properly addressed, treated and /or given the correct attention and support instead of just blaming adoption.
I don’t agree or disagree with you. My brother and I are both adopted (from different biological parents) and he did have a lot of behavior issues growing up. One of the big reasons for it (and our parents will agree) is that since they were so desperate to be parents, they spoiled the crap out of us and were terrible disciplinarians. They were so happy to have us, that they wanted us to have everything in life and they also let us get away with everything! So really my brother is just a 27 year old spoiled brat still living in my dad’s basement and driving my dad’s car.
So yes, there were issues in my family because we were adopted, but I really think (unfortunately) that a lot of it was my parents fault. It wasn’t because we thought we had to rebel because we’re adopted, and no one ever blamed any actions we took on the fact we were adopted, we just had parents that loved us too much and didn’t know what to do with their love.
First of all, I have to respond to Autumn’s comment. No matter if it is a biological child or an adopted child, if a child rebels it is NOT always the parent’s fault. I know many wonderful parents whose children have rebelled terribly, and I also know some horrible parents that have raised amazing children.
To answer your question- I have an adopted son and daughter. At this moment, our son is rebelling and has moved out of our home. It is not because he was adopted- it has nothing to do with that-it is because he chose not to obey our rules, which by the way were very easy ones. We were not hard on him at all, just asked a 19 year to help around the house, some since he did not have a job. Our daughter is not rebelling. We need to stop always blaming adoption for everything that goes wrong.
It is terrible and the screening process needs to be changed in these matters. There should be no distinction between blood and other. I went through school acting a fool, and I got away with it because “well see she is the orphaned girl.” Apparently I was second rate. I dont care now though, I am a strong person. However, if anyone would have adopted me I would take no less than equal. Only one foster home I was in was like that. The rest I left for preferential treatment, and abuse in some cases. Sometimes the kid is a paycheck and that is the worst sin.
We had the opposite problem with my son. His adoption was finalized half way through 4th grade, so everyone knew he was adopted. If he was disruptive in school it was overlooked because he was adopted or if he started a fight it was blamed on him having such a rough start in life. We tried talking to teachers and the principal, but nothing changed, we finally changed schools because of it. In his new school we did not tell anyone he was adopted unless it was necessary.
Right now, my 16 year old son is rebelling and having problems in school. I don’t see anyone excusing it because he is my bio child. (And they shouldn’t). It’s just because even when children are raised with the same values and standards, they still grow up to be different whether they are adopted, bio, fostered or step children.
First off, I don’t think that if an adopted child messes up “it’s immediately decided that they did so because they’re adopted”. I don’t believe that is the case for everyone although I understand from the rest of your question that it may have been your experience.
My older adopted daughter has messed up as much as anyone has and I have never had anyone comment that it’s not surprising because she was adopted. If anyone ever stated that I’d make it immediately clear that she messed up because she messed up, nothing more, nothing less. I’d hope that you would make the same correction with people who comment about your son if someone has the nerve to say that.
I do agree with you though that in situations were an adopted child is held to a different standard then a biological child that it is very unfair and borderlines on abuse in my books.
I do think there is a double standard, but perhaps, not in the exact way that you explained it. I have found that many family members feel the need to protect my kids from any form of discipline. It is quite annoying. Their “empathy” just confuses my son. For example, if I give him a time out for hitting his sister in the head, his nanny will step forward and say that I shouldn’t give him a time out. “All he needs is love” dontcha know. So if anything I have often found people are more forgiving of what he does with the explanation “He is adopted and has been thru so much already. Why give him a time out/take away his toy/ send him to his room/etc.” This is infuriating to me as it sends him mixed messages. He is a child and needs boundries whether he is adopted or not. Strange though, his sister does not seem to evoke the same reaction. Perhaps because she was only 18 months when she came to live with us.
I have one adopted son, one biological son, and one biological daughter. I’ve never blamed anything on my son’s adoption (although the fact that there was a “birth story” he had to know about meant he had that “extra element” to his beginning that my other kids didn’t have).
You’re right. I think too many people often over-estimate the impact of adoption of some children/grown people. Sometimes I wonder if some people who have only adopted children don’t know how “the same” things would have been had they had those children themselves.
If that’s the case, then it sounds as if both parents, the one of the biological child and the one of the adopted child, are passing the buck. Responses such as ‘but what can one do’ and ‘no surprise, he’s adopted’ are letting the parents off too easily. Rather than addressing what THEY may have done wrong, they blame the kids. So, I think in both examples used, biological and adopted, the kids are being blamed without much accountability from the parents.
BOTH unfair, imo.